4 ways to identify trauma based tears

Tears that originate from old trauma have a different quality than present day tears. Whether you’re working with clients or do your own healing, it’s helpful to be able to identify ‘trauma-based tears’.

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Let me illustrate the concept by way of a story.

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I was holding space for a ten-year old child who was triggered and deeply upset. A present day stimuli triggered a trauma that happened when he was six. He was scared and crying, lying facedown. As I sat with him, I listened and heard that his tears, while forceful, seemed very far away, it’s as though a different part of him way crying. In a strong voice I called his name and asked, “Who is crying?” He looked at me, startled, stopped crying and said, “I don’t know”. His speaking voice was calm. He was out of his trigger but a moment later, realizing that he had let go; he fell back into his tears.

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I call his name again and said, “Hey, I think your six-year-old self is crying. He seems really upset. We’d better go help him.” Again he became lucid, stopped crying and heard me. He stayed calm long enough to hear me say, “Your ten-year-old self is strong. He can calm down your six-year-old self who is so scared.”

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That dialogue was the beginning of inner child work, an essential component of trauma healing. Even though this boy is still a child, he was old enough to understand the concept of an older child helping a younger child.

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When we face our own trauma tears, it’s our healthy adult-self that needs to comfort our traumatized child. It’s never too late. Wounded children wait for someone to come and care for them. Often they wait so long that they believe they are unworthy of love. As a result, they can become guarded and hard to reach. Don’t give up. Show up consistently and win their trust. In their hearts, wounded kids just want to love and be loved.

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When we can hold ourselves with a nurturing presence, all kinds of inner obstacles melt away. Our triggers soften and the tears that seem endless may quiet down too. It’s not a process that happens in one moment. Depending on the nature of your trauma, it can take a long time but there is healing at every step of the way.