The pain people can handle and the pain they cannot

One of the most common complaints I hear from people in pain is that they can’t tell people how they are actually doing. “People don’t really want to know, they can’t handle it, they try to fix me or I end up supporting them when I’m the sick one.” Does some derivation of this story sound familiar?

In theory, friends want to be there for friends. In practice, a lot of people have trouble showing up when their friends are hurting, particularly when the hurt is ongoing. Friends want to hear that you’re getting better but what should you tell them if you’re not?

You could just avoid the truth, put on a smile and carry on. Lots of people with chronic conditions use that strategy. Hiding might work when you’re talking to your coffee barista, Uber driver or dry cleaning clerk. It doesn’t work well when you are interacting with close friends and family. When you hide your pain, you also hide your spark, which puts a wall between you and the world.

The greater the pain and the longer you’ve had it, the greater the risk that you develop a barrier that cuts you off from true connections. That type of isolation isn’t good for your mental health or your healing.

So what can be done? It’s true that many people can’t handle the truth. There’s an important yet subtle detail that seems to affect what people can handle. When I’m in pain and I’m honest about it, people seem most triggered when I’m afraid. When I’m lost and confused and not sure how I’m going to feel better, that’s when most people can’t bear witness and that creates all the reactions that might make you want to hide. When I’m in pain and trust that I know how to right myself and I’m taking the care that’s needed but it just hasn’t shifted yet, it’s much easier for me to be truthful and for people to receive me as I am without reacting.

I conclude that what’s hardest is the mirror of fear. When people see someone in pain who has no answers or direction, it unconsciously triggers their own vulnerability.

Once, an exceptional woman visited my home who understood how to show up sick and real. She had an oxygen tank with her and she moved slowly yet her face was full of light and peace. When people asked her about the oxygen tank, she calmly told them about her serious and fatal lung disease. She was at peace with her diagnosis and her condition and it put all of us at peace. She joined our group and hang out with us like everyone else who was there and it was more or less a non-issue.

So, I put it to you to ponder. Is there a way you could be accepting of where you are on your healing path even if you are in pain? The more accepting you are of your current condition, the more easily you can show up in your truth with others without getting the reactions that make you want to hide. Being accepting doesn’t mean you don’t continue to pursue healing. Pursue your treatments, whatever they might be, cultivate trust that you will find your way, even if you don’t currently see the path. While you’re searching, you can be honest with people. When someone asks you how you are doing, you can say, “Well, to be honest, I’m absolutely exhausted but I’m just taking it easy and resting a lot. How are you?”

If that person tries to advice you on what to do, which may feel like they’re trying to fix you, you can politely decline. “I’m not really seeking advice at the moment. I have a few therapies I’m pursing and I’m going to stick with those for the moment but thanks for your care.”

It may seem like hard work to show up with your vulnerability, your truth and your pain but I believe it’s worth the effort. I look forward to hearing your perspective.

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