Families form a matrix

Everyone in a family is continually sensing and adapting to the state of the other people in the household. From a young age, kids learn to perceive the subtly of their parents’ functioning. It’s not even conscious. Kids need their parents to be functional, to be ‘okay’, so they can be okay.

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Depending on the degree of stress in the parents, the children adopt various forms of adaptation. On the most basic level, children often mirror back the stress of parents. If the parent is rushed and tense, the child often gets stressed, cranky and difficult, which creates even more stress for the parent. Parents who are over-taxed may not see in the moment, that the child is simply mirroring their tension. .

Similarly, when parents are calm and balanced in themselves, children are more at ease and cooperative. We can’t be at ease all the time, especially in families where there are bigger stressors like illness, financial strain, addictions etc. So how is this perspective relevant day to day?

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When I remember to look at how everyone is behaving in my family as a possible reaction to something that I am not aware of in that moment, it makes me less reactive and more pensive. I watch to see what is going on so I can make sense of why people, especially the children, are behaving in a particular way.

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I find that children respond well to simple explanation of my state of being. Some simple examples. “I want to hear you play piano but right now my head is tired and it isn’t the best moment. Can you play it for me later?” Or, “You sister didn’t sleep enough last night, don’t take her irritability personally, it’s not about you”.

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What work well in your family?