Support others by trusting that they know how to manage.

2020-12-14 The best way to support someone is by trusting that they know how to manage.png

What if the best way to help someone is to trust that they know how to help themselves?

I have a strong tendency to give advice and help people solve their problems. The reality is that until someone asks me for a suggestion, offering advice isn't what's needed, and it can actually be harmful. It’s taken me a lot of big mess ups to learn this lesson. My wounded-self likes to rescue others and I need to be very mindful of that tendency.

If someone says, “I really don't know what to do about this, do you have any ideas?”, then that's a very distinct invitation to offer advice. We need to wait to be asked!

I'm trying to practice to break the habit of giving unsolicited advice by asking people, “Are you open to a suggestion?”, or “I have an idea, would it be of interest to you?”. I’ve noticed that when somebody has agency to say yes or no, they will either be more open to the suggestion being offered, or more empowered to say no, if that’s what feels best.

The key question we must ask ourselves if we’re quick to want to save others, is ‘who’ is doing the saving? In my case, I’ve seen that when someone struggles from a pain or issue that’s similar to mine, I may be triggered and try to save them instead of tending to my own trigger. Turning back to myself is my ongoing practice.

Ultimately each person has to navigate their own way through whatever it is that’s troubling them. If we really care about someone, reflecting to them our own confidence in their capacity to deal with whatever is in their life is actually the greatest kind of support we can give.

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Why do I push beyond exhaustion?